The men didn't take me down. They lit a fire!

This is a story of an incident at work that I have shared personally a few times. Now that time has passed, I feel it is time to share it publicly. This happened the summer of 2016.

At the time of this incident, I had been working almost 20 years in several different industries for several different companies. Never had I encountered what happened to me in this story in all those years.

It was my 6th year at this particular company. I had been bypassed a few times for a management position due to the good old boys game. I just let it go. Because I didn't see myself going anywhere on the team I was on, I decided to look elsewhere in the department. There was one particular guy I would not go work for. His name for this story will be KS. He had the worst reputation in the department as not only a horrible person to work for, but notching his headboard with the young girls in the department. You will hear more about him later.

I landed in a new area for a guy who was my customer. He was so excited to have me on board. I changed to his team to learn something new and within 5 months on the job as a project manager, I was promoted to supervisor of a development team. Within a year, I was promoted again to Manager of a development team.

He and I got along splendidly. We worked well together and became friends. During my 2 years with him, I had to have a few private conversations with him about the way he treated some of the women on our team. Since we were close, he seemed quite receptive to our discussions. He even said he would read a book I recommended. Some of things I discussed with him is how he bragged in meetings with vendors about making a woman in another department cry. Another one was letting all our India employees go to India for extended stays except one woman who he just didn't care for as much. He made a joke at a staff meeting in front of everyone that she was not allowed to go to India for an extended stay. The kicker was, in private he had already told us managers he was going to really tell her she was not granted the same right as everyone else. I discussed how that was not fair practice and also inappropriate to joke about at a staff meeting.

As time went on, he one day ridiculed me in front of my peers about my kids. Now, he often said he knew what it was like to be a single mom because he and his wife had three kids and there wasn't enough of both of them to go around. I used to just ignore those comments. This time, a few of us were getting promoted and needed to write our bios for him to send out in the announcement. The bio includes your work history. There was a period of time that I stayed home with my kids and freelanced. So for that period of time in my bio I started the paragraph with "While raising my kids,  . . ." In our leadership team meeting, he said, "The bios are ready to go out and of course Amy had to talk about her kids." I shot him a questioning look and said, "No I didn't." He said, "Yes you did. There was a line about raising them and I removed it. We have all raised kids Amy. It's no big deal." Needless to say, I was infuriated. I was so upset by his ridicule that I wouldn't even look at him the rest of the meeting.

He tried to come and talk to me after but I told him I could not talk to him at that moment. I felt like my head was going to explode. In truth, I was ready to quit. It was a Friday when this happened and I had the worst weekend. I cried all weekend. I felt betrayed, ridiculed and disrespected. This man had no idea what it was like to be me. He had no idea what it was like to be a single mom or work from home to raise kids for part of your career. His words told me he had no respect for the most important job in my life and therefore I realized I could not respect him as a person.

On Monday he called me to his office. He said he was so upset that I wouldn't talk to him that he called the CIO and HR over the weekend. He didn't know what to do. So once again I had to school him on his inappropriate words. Over time things smoothed out between us but I would pay for this incident months later.

Jump ahead about 6 months. This guy I worked for is leaving the company. I found out that KS (See 3rd paragraph above) will now be my boss. While I had never personally worked with him on anything at all, I knew enough about his issues at work and how many times HR had to get involved. There is no other way to define him other than he is a pure asshole.

With my boss leaving, the natural next in line for his position is myself and the other manager on our team. She was younger than me by 10 years but just as mature, capable and experienced as me; if not more! I strongly felt she should get the job.

Typically, when a position on a team opens up, they encourage anyone currently on the team to apply and usually interview them out of a courtesy; especially if they are inline to get promoted. My co-manager and I expected this to happen. One day during a routine call with KS, he tells us that he wants us to meet with a candidate he has selected to fill the open position. We both sorta look at each other. She puts the phone on mute and says, "Did you know anything about this?" I shook my head no.

After our call, she and I discuss. We didn't even know the job was listed. Nothing! This was not normal protocol. So I volunteer (being the more outspoken one) to shoot an email off to KS to find out more.

I inquire about the job listing and why were were not notified. I get a reply back from him basically saying we are welcome to apply if we want. I have to send another email back asking for the job reference number because after her and I both look in the system, we can't find it. He sends us back a number and it is listed under a title that we would have never guessed or discovered. We believe in hopes that we would not apply.

After reading the job description, I get on the phone and call him. I have questions. Is this the same job? Is the job changing? Etc, etc. He says, its the same, he just stuck it under that job title because he already had a job created in the system and it was easier. (I knew enough about how that all worked to know that was a lie.) He then added, "You gals can apply, but you won't get it. I already have someone selected." I asked why we would not get the job. He said, "Because you both need grooming on how to be managers." I said goodbye and hung up. I was infuriated again!

How could someone that has never worked with me in any capacity what so ever know that I needed grooming as a manager? I had just received the highest rating from my team in the entire department of almost 400 people. I had received an 86% satisfaction from my team. The next highest in the department was in the 60% range. I gave it some thought and realized that he had never even been in a meeting with me (outside required dept. meetings for everyone or leadership meetings) for a project or anything in the 6 years I had worked there.

So naturally, I sent off a well worded email inquiring about his knowledge of my skills, management style, work history and need for grooming. I questioned if he had even seen my resume? I ended the email with that I would bet money that the person he was going to hire was a male that was his buddy because this wasn't my first rodeo.

Well, he didn't like that email and scheduled a meeting the next morning at 8am with HR. He was particularly offended by the "wasn't my first rodeo" sentence because he brought it up. I repeatedly questioned why myself or my co-manager were not qualified. He had no real answer other than we needed grooming because were weren't real managers. I kept asking why. All he could say was he just knew. Well, naturally, that wasn't a good enough answer for me.

So I pushed further. Finally, the HR lady said that I needed to work on my image. To which I looked at her in shock. I asked her to elaborate. She said I didn't have a good reputation in our department. I laughed. I stated my recent high satisfaction score with my team. I also brought up that the VP of Marketing who was my client on my old team requested from the CIO 50% of my time to come lead a project for her. So where is there a problem with my image? She couldn't say. I asked what was in my employee record. She said nothing. I asked her to give me examples. KS stepped in and said that the word around the water cooler was that I was difficult to manage. I laughed again. I said, show me that in my employee record because I have had nothing but "Exceed Expectations" in the six years that I worked there. KS countered with I have not been evaluated properly. I shot back that I have had 4 different bosses in the 6 years that I worked there and they all evaluated me wrong. He said yes.

I was so angry. I went off on how I was right though. (I had confirmation his friend was getting the job and he ultimately did) He was hiring his buddy and that it was a good ole boys club where only friends get the job. He said I was wrong and told me to go home and think about if I wanted to work there anymore. I stood up and said, "I don't have to think about it. I will find a job and leave." I walked out of that office, got in my car and cried the whole way home.

My parents were at my house visiting. I just cried on my porch with them. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't quit but I also couldn't work for this guy.

Then, something occurred to me. I got out my phone and dialed my old boss who just left. As soon as he said hello, I said, "What did you tell them during your exit interview?"

He admitted he told them I was difficult to manage because I called him out on the treatment of women and his comments about my kids. He also told them that neither myself or my co-manager were of the caliber to replace him. I hung up. I was mortified. How could he do that to us. He basically sabotaged us. Two women who were dedicated to him and the team. Two women who gave our all. Two women who supported him in difficult times the dept faced.

A fire lit within me and I refused to believe this bullshit. I was better than this garbage they were spewing and I knew it. I have never had issues anywhere I worked. I have never even met with HR before in my career. No one in 20 years of my career ever told me I was difficult to work with, let alone manage! I wasn't going to let the fact that I spoke up for myself and other women be the end of me.

I made finding a job my second job. I put endless effort into it. I put 90% of my time in the project for the VP of marketing and let my team run on autopilot. I didn't care anymore. My team handled it just fine as I had all processes in place for them already.

I was determined to find a kick ass job and knock the project for the VP of Marketing out of the park.

And I did.

I landed an incredible job at a global company; a company I had been trying to get into for five years. I knocked the project out of the park for the VP. So much so that when I gave my notice that I was leaving she contacted me the same day and offered me a job to come work for her.

The icing on the cake was when the interim CIO asked me to go to lunch before I left. He and I had always gotten along. He was on his way out too. He was there to fill the void until they found a permanent CIO. He knew my work ethic, skill set etc. He was the one who the VP of Marketing went to requesting my help on her project. So we had many interactions, he sat in many meetings I lead, etc.

During that lunch we talked about a lot of personal things around growing up, family, etc. Near the end, he said to me, "I know what happened. What you need to know is that there are people at this company who are like high school jocks. They have never grown up. This company does not do justice for women. I have been working 40 years in this industry and this is one of the worst places for women in leadership. Where you are going will benefit you in the long run. What happened is a glitch. Put it behind you and forget it ever happened. That is not who you are. If you ever in need a reference, call me. It will be my pleasure."

That day the self-doubt that was lingering left. It's like the sun came out and everything was ok.