Saturday, January 11, 2014

Divorce Part 3: The Facade

"Behind the smile is a hurting heart /Behind my laugh I’m falling apart/ Look closely and you will see/The girl I seem--isn't me." - Unknown

I spent a week at my parent's house pretending I was okay. Pretending my life, my marriage and my heart were just peachy. I was far from okay, let alone peachy. I had a war going on inside of me. My emotions were out of control yet somehow I managed to fake it. One never knows how well they can hide the truth until they are put to the test I guess. I had no game plan upon arrival of how I would act or hide the truth. I just winged it.

I couldn't talk about it. I knew one thing for sure. There was no way I was spilling the beans to my parents that week. In fact, it was July and I didn't tell them a thing until October. I just couldn't. Couple of reasons

1. I had to figure it out for myself. I had to know the what, when, where and how before I divulged anything to my parents. I told other people. My friends, people I worked with, my neighbors. I just couldn't break it to them yet. 

2.I had to be okay with what was happening in my life and in the acceptance stage. Telling an unrelated third party is one thing. Telling your parents who will most definitely be on your side and ready to fight for you is another. I had to be ready for that.

3. I didn't want their influence in my decision making. I needed to know that it was my decision and my decision alone Sure, my friends and co-workers had their opinions but they wouldn't influence me as much as my parent's would. 

4. They worry. Especially my mom. And she did. I had to be in a strong position to get her past the worry. I had to have a plan in place to be able to put her mind at ease and have answers.

5. And probably the hardest reason . . . admitting I failed. (I can't even write this without crying.) I had to tell my parents that my marriage failed. Coming to grips with such a failure in your life is very difficult.

While we were there I Facebook messaged and called his mistress, Kari. I let her know that I knew. I left a voicemail on her home phone and work phone. Being she held a very high position at her company it wasn't hard to get her work number. I dialed the main number and simply asked for her. She complained to Scott and then I got reprimanded for leaving a message on her home phone because her kids or maid might have heard it. Whaaaa. Well, then you shouldn't be sleeping with a married man if you don't want such things to happen. Cry me an f-ing river was basically what I told him.

Then, he proceeded to tell me that she has an army of high-powered lawyers who will take me down if I continue to harass her. To which I simply laughed out loud at him. "Really?" I said. "I have seen much worse from wive's of cheaters. Calling her to let her know I am now in the loop is a far cry from running her over with my car!" Then, he told me she is prepared to get a restraining order against me. Again, I just laughed and said, "Do they give restraining orders to someone who lives 4 states away from the potential victim?"

This was the absurdity I had to deal with.

I managed to get through a visit with my college friend and her family, several events with my brother and parents and even a birthday party for my son where a bunch of family members came over and some other friends of the family and my brother. It was tough. I had to listen to my family talk about my cousin's recent divorce and try not to comment on what they were saying. Not because what they were saying was bad or anything. Simply because you have no idea until you live it. That is what I wanted to blurt out constantly! 

We didn't sleep in the same bed at my parents or ever again. We played it off as each of us sleeping with one of the kids. All I remember is that once my kid of the night fell asleep, I cried. 

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