Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Divorce Part 5 - 5 months till move out

"So I made up my mind / Made up my mind / Gonna move on ahead / Instead of lagging behind - David Grey

After I found out about the affair, there was no turning back. My mind was made up. I recently spoke with a friend who went through a divorce and she said once she made up her mind finally to take the leap it was like a light switch went off. There was no way she could go back. That is a great way to describe it.

We agreed that he would move out January 1. That meant we would live together for 5 months. We had some financial things to take care of first before we split residences. 

This became a very difficult time. We slept in separate rooms. He hated this and would sometimes beg me to come sleep in the same bed with him. It was pretty pathetic. 

We basically worked and took care of the kids. We did not speak to each other unless it was about the kids. 

I also did not wear my wedding ring anymore. As far as I was concerned, I wasn't married anymore. This drove him crazy! He continued to wear his. I refused. I put it back in the box and tucked it to the back of a shelf in my armoir. At one point he accused me of pawning it. I am not sure why he thought that but I often didn't understand the way he thought. He got so aggressive about me pawning it I ultimately had to show him that I still had it. He claimed it was community property and if I pawned it I owed him half the money. Honestly, that didn't even cross my mind, but this is the insanity of his brain. The things he would be concerned about. 

Several weeks later he accused me of stealing his passport. (He was planning a trip with Kari out of the country I now know). I asked him why he needed it suddenly? He said none of my business. I then asked why would I want to steal it? He said nothing and just started digging around. He found it of course. 

It occurred to me one day to check on my ring in it's hidden spot. It was gone. The box was there but the ring was missing. I confronted him. He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. I gave him 24hrs to return it. I probably put some ultimatum on the line but don't recall what it was. The next day I was outside with the kids and he walked out and said, "I found your ring." I said, "Oh yeah, where?" He said, "Go look in your room. You had it hidden in the back of the drawer wrapped up in a nightgown." WHAT? Insane I tell you. I went in my room and he literally had staged it like he was looking for it. He pulled the drawer out of the dresser and dumped it's contents on the bed. There sitting on the foot board ledge was my ring. Now, tell me how my ring got out of it's box in the armoir and made it's way into the back of my dresser drawer wrapped in a nightgown? 

Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

Other things happened. During a fight one time he said he recorded things I had said during a previous fight and would use it against me in court. I lunged at him to grab his phone he was waving in my face and he jumped backwards hitting his elbow on the edge of the towel rack. I gave him a knee to the thigh and walked away. He left the house and drove to the police station to file a domestic violence report. He came back and claimed they were at the corner waiting for his call to come arrest me if I harmed him again. I left the house for the weekend. It was worse then it had ever been.

He becaming raging jealous. He started looking at my phone when I wasn't in the room. I was never like him where I had my phone on my person 24/7. I had to start keeping it with me at all times and locking it down. He would hear me on the phone and hear a male voice. He would confront me right there on the spot. It was my dad!

I befriended another guy online who was going through a divorce. He lived locally and we shared a mutual friend, but we never met in person. We talked a lot about our divorce and kids. We shared a similar profession. One day he texted me while I was cutting the grass and I had my phone on the bumper of my car. Scott walked out and picked up and saw the contents of the text message that said simply "Just got home. You watching the game tonight?" That was it. I was having an affair with this guy. I didn't hear the end of it. 

So one weekend I made plans to stay downtown with a friend. Scott was convinced it was this guy he saw the text from. The guy has a unique name and he looked him up online and called his house. His ex wife still lived there and Scott told her we were spending the weekend together. He had called every hotel downtown asking to be transferred to this guy's room. One hotel transferred him to a room so he was convinced that is where we were. The guy texted me the next day and said "What the hell is going on? Why is he contacting my ex wife?" I apologized and said he is going crazy. I asked if he happened to be downtown the night before and he said he was not. He also told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore because his divorce was civil and he did not need anyone messing it up. We never talked again. However, I never heard the end of this guy I have never met in my life from Scott.

I started going to see a counselor. More just to talk then seek help. It was good for me. She didn't give advice really but just listened and asked questions. She gave perspective sometimes that helped digest what was happening. One time he asked to come with me to talk to her. I didn't want this of course. He wanted to talk to her about how to tell the kids about the divorce. I thought this was stupid. It was our decision and we were capable of figuring that out. He insisted that I was being selfish and again threatened to hold it against me in court if I didn't seek out this professional opinion. ugh. Always threatening me. 

So I gave in.

I told her he was coming. He wore a suit of course! I walked in and sat down in my usual spot on the couch across from her desk where she sat. He sat in the chair. He did all the talking. I just sat there. He asked her about how to tell the kids. Her response was "You two are very intelligent people. You know your kids better than anyone else. There is no right or wrong way. Just tell them the truth. Don't sugar coat it." So that was that and he spent the rest of our hour giving her an ear full about me. 

On the way out the door, she called me back in and said "Can you please setup an appt with me to meet next week by yourself?" I went in the following week and she had a lot to say this time. She talked about my demeanor with him present. She said that at first she was confused by my behavior as it was not similar to our previous appointments. I was sitting there with my arms and legs crossed, coat still on and staring at her the whole time. She noticed my body was twisted away from him. After he just kept talking, it occurred to her that it was him. His presence had a profound effect on me.  She said that his personality was so apparent to her and that I could choose to stay with him and work through it with him. Or, I could just leave him. This was the first time she ever said anything like that. She warned me that someone with his personality would not change unless he wanted to and it would require years of therapy/work. She said, I should not feel guilt leaving him if that was the decision I made. She also said, that based on her perception of his personality, the reason he wanted to meet with her was to get his jabs at me, not to ask about the kids. She believes he can't stand that I was talking to her about him and he wanted his opportunity to tell her about me.

The holidays were approaching. I don't recall what we did for Thanksgiving at all. I do know that he went on a cruise with Kari for 10 days right before Christmas. He literally came home on Dec. 23rd. He of course said it was for work. I could have given two shits where he was and if he ever returned. My family was all at my house. They all knew at this point too. It was sorta uncomfortable but more for him than me. The reason I know about his cruise is because he never went away for 10 days for work, I literally didn't even get a text about the kids from him one time, she worked for a luxury cruise line out of Ft. Lauderdale, he needed his passport,  I found receipts for the Ritz Carlton in Ft. Lauderdale in our luggage and finally, tell me the last time you heard of any work convention taking place for 10 days before Christmas? I swear he thought I was a complete fool.

It is important to note here that during these 5 months he begged me to not end it and then finally asked me to let him stay and continue to live with us. He proposed we could lead separate lives and maintain the home for the kids. He used to try to guilt me in that he couldn't afford a nice place to live and that he would have to live in a cave. He said the kids can't see him living in a shoebox. Blah, blah, blah, blah.... I didn't care and I didn't give in. He said I was evil because I didn't care if he was on the street. I didn't. Once I found the receipts to the Ritz, I sent him a picture of them via text and said "For someone who says he wants to make things right, you sure didn't pass up the opportunity to take a 10 day cruise with your mistress!" And I just laughed.

It turns out he supposedly got his best friend/boss to get a corporate lease at a fancy place to live. I know how much he was making and his pay would literally be consumed by the rent of this place so there was no way he was paying for it. His credit was so bad he couldn't get a place that would let him rent that would meet his living standards - luxury, pool, fitness room, security, gated, etc. So he worked his magic on someone of means to make it possible for him. That's how he always worked. 

We agreed to tell the kids together. We agreed on what we would say. The truth. Except when it came down to it, he took over the conversation and made it sound like it was temporary - not following the professional opinion he sought out. I of course over time had to clean up that mess with my kids.

Like my entire marriage with him. I went behind him with a shovel cleaning up his messes!

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